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help I just walked in and I don't know what's going on
this is a post for people who have just wandered in through the back door from the lane and are wondering who all these weird characters are and why there’s so much mud. Fear not, all will be explained below.
Celandine (Your Friendly Narrator/Illustrator)
Hello, this isn’t my real name but I wish it was. I write things and make a variety of weird art and I’m haunted by my own antibodies, a state of affairs that often makes me very ill. Sometimes I can walk a lot, sometimes barely at all, and other times I hallucinate. If you’d like to know exactly which autoimmune disease I have, you’re in good company - my rheumatology team are still trying to figure it out! This is a newsletter where I write and draw about my life with my two partners Nettle and Dandelion. We live in a lopsided medieval hall house in a flat bit of England and we have two dogs. Aside from drawing and writing I also make a lot of very impractical jewellery, especially tiaras, and play several instruments badly. I am working on a novel about a bunch of haunted polyamorous weirdos who live in a castle in Scotland. I am not too sure about my gender and like to imagine it as someone just banging discordantly on a piano. I don’t use gendered pronouns for most of the characters in my newsletter because it’s my newsletter and no one can stop me.
Nettle (partner 1)
Nettle grew up in a wooden house in the woods in almost-Canada, and doesn’t always say a whole lot but does own a larger than average number of axes. We met in America and I brought them back to the UK as a very expensive souvenir. We used to live in the attic of a mansion house in Scotland together with about 1000 wasps. Nettle can walk forever without getting tired and also never seems to get cold, except on their head, which is always cold. They have unusually high foot arches. Notable traits: cat whisperer, banjo player, worryingly obsessed with mayonnaise. When they aren’t shooting at things with a bow and arrow they are often making some kind of casserole.
Dandelion (partner A)
Dandelion grew up on the outskirts of Glasgow and consequently knows how to spin a good yarn and hold their liquor. They can often be found playing lay archaeologist on a walk, inspecting a lumpy area of ground and wondering if it might have once been a wall. Dandelion can make almost any activity into a rollicking good time and also reliably comes up with the most impractical and least efficient solution for simple problems. Notable traits: beetle enthusiast, mushroom botherer, impressive consumer of cheese. Thinks a macaroni pie is a good idea. Spends a large proportion of their time in dungarees. Wants to hug every animal in existence.
The Hellhound (dog-like creature that haunts our house)
We acquired the hellhound by accident six years ago when some poor well-meaning souls attempted to rescue it, not realising it was in cahoots with the devil, and were forced to return it to the rescue centre after it tried to bite everyone. We didn’t mean to keep it either but it worked its dark magic on us and now we are all very attached to it. It has a majestic and musical singing voice which it uses to control the minds of its victims and in times of trouble it has also been known to yodel. The list of its crimes is long and varied but it can also do a little pirouette and give kisses on command, which is really cute. Notable traits: impressive seasonal shedding, toothiness and passionate love of fish. It is somehow impossible to get the hellhound wet (see above: dark magic).
The Long Tube of Freckled Chaos (dog of great length and stamina)
The Long Tube of Freckled Chaos (TLTOFC for short) was acquired on impulse during the pandemic due to its majestic spots. We have owned it for four years now and it has yet to stop moving for even one single second, meaning we have never actually gotten to see said spots as it is a constant blur, but we hope to witness them one day. TLTOFC also has extremely impressive jowls which it often uses to transport the entire contents of its water dish and then distribute this around the house. It has only one passion in life which is interacting with tennis balls and it practices this for about 23 hours a day, every day. Notable traits: unexpected length, shouting, love of bread. In contrast with the hellhound TLTOFC is somehow never dry.
Oddements Pightle (our ancient and spidery abode)
Oddements Pightle was built sometime in the fifteenth century and then added to about 46 further times over the subsequent ages so that it’s now basically the house version of a patchwork quilt. It has a multitude of beams which each house a multitude of bugs; we each nurture several enormous spiders which we encourage to eat these, but the spiders are very overworked and may unionise. In many places the ceilings are very low and Nettle brains themselves on beams at least three times a week. Also those medieval types didn’t seem to think much of windows, which works in my favour since I’m allergic to the sun. We sort of ended up here by accident and then couldn’t leave because my legs stopped working, but fortunately we have grown extremely attached to the place and are progressively filling it with weird art and home-grown vegetables.